CSA: Nightmares and Flashbacks

Image from: http://whatittakestobeme.org

Quite simply a flashback makes you feel as though you are experiencing a situation again. For me I flashbacks mean being sent back in time to anyone of the many times I was sexually abused. There are many things that trigger them, it can be a smell, a sound (words and phrases), the appearance of a room, someone's mannerisms. The list is endless. Sometimes I won't even see them coming and I can't figure out where they come from.

Ever since I was sexually abused night time has become one of the hardest times for me as this is when I experience nightmares and the flashbacks tend to strike too. I am more fortunate now as the more I have suffered them the more I have been able to understand and recognised the triggers of the flashbacks I experience meaning sometimes I can avoid them happening. The nightmares I have never felt I have had much control over, I never see them coming. Sometimes they can happen every night for a period of time other times they can be quite irregular.

I think it is important for people to recognise that for a victim of sexual abuse the effects of it it doesn't just stop when the abuse stops. Flashbacks and nightmares are very terrifying and have lead to me being afraid of going to sleep for quite some time. Resulting in me experiencing exhaustion. This fear has come and gone over the years, sometimes it is just a niggling feeling others it just takes over me and I can't stop thinking about.

I'm lucky that over the period of time where the flashbacks and nightmares became particularly bad Katie-Jo was and has been there. I told her that I experience them and explained what it meant and as a result she helps me through them. I am lucky because I can be honest with her about it. The flashbacks and nightmares have happened quite regularly over the past year so she has been able to recognise when they take place. She doesn't make me tell her about what the nightmare or flashback was about. She's 'just there'. She'll tell me that everything is okay and hold me.

Experiencing the flashbacks is horrible and can be terrifying at times but it particularly makes me me angry that it can still effect me and very embarrassed. It wasn't easy to tell Katie-Jo about them, some people in my family still don't know that I experience them.

Here is a good printable article about flashbacks [LINK]

- Stacey xo

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Poem: My Biggest Fear

My body is filled with the regret
Of the things my mind longs to forget
I don't want to be this person anymore
I wish I could close this one open door
My mind constantly thinks it over
If only I could find a four leaf clover
Then I could wish for all this to disappear
So that I wouldn't have to live in this constant fear
Of the times your near
Or of the nights I'm on my own
I might now be full grown
But some days I wake with the fear that I did when I was eight years old
So many times I'm overcome by the thoughts of the story I've rarely told
I try to bury it deep inside of me
So that I can become the person I've always longed to be


- Esjae xo

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Poem: Demon In The Dark

Everyone has a demon in the dark
Something that has left its mark
On a life, young or old
It might be a story not ready to be told
Kept back by a memory putting it on hold
For others its a physical fear
Of something they don't want near

It can bring out the bad in some but the best in others
Everyone has a demon in the dark
Including those we think are the strongest, fathers and mothers
In everyone's life something will leave its mark
To make them stop and think
Keeping them up at night without sleeping a wink

No matter what it is we all have one
Subconsciously fighting a battle we didn't know was there to be won
But one day you'll get there
And when that day comes you'll be able to live without a single care


- Esjae xo


Twitter: http://twitter.com/esjaeofficial
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E-mail: esjae-official@hotmail.co.uk

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The tear running down your face
Followed by another and another
Lost without a trace
Could there still be a chance of return?
Your silence is like a cruel beating
The worry I feel is indescribable
One day I hope you will realise
And that you will understand the pain I feel

The blood running down your hand
Drip after drip
This isn’t the escape you wanted
But somehow it is making things clearer
Hiding your fear
A new person standing before me
Why can’t it be simple?
Why is it this way?
Why can’t I help?
 

What do you think?

- Esjae x

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