CSA: Every Day Is A New Lesson

The night before my abuser killed himself I couldn't sleep, it was weird - no matter how much I tried I just couldn't settle so I ended up writing this:

It's easier to explain how I feel in writing than out loud. Saying it makes it real.

No one is to blame for how I feel, no one knew so no one could have done anything to help. I didn't go to the police so that other people could hold themselves accountable there is only one person who is accountable and that is him. He will probably never think that the things he did to me were wrong. But that isn't the worst part, the worst part is that it will never stop, not really. Every incident replays in my mind, forcing me to relive every moment. Seconds I wish to forget but I will never be able to.

He has made it hard for me to trust, how can I trust people when one of the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most took the innocence of my childhood away making me grow up too fast.

At times I don't think about it, at times its as if I've lived a normal life - and then it hits me. All of it comes flooding back. I've tried to forget it, but what will forgetting it really do? I can't remember from before it started, it's always been apart of me - there hasn't been an escape, just a journey. A journey of acceptance, accepting who I was, who I am and who I have become. I don't like to think of myself as a victim or a survivor, neither of those words fit.

When I think about it - I feel dirty, I feel angry, upset, confused and alone. None of those feelings are my fault yet I have to live with them.

I know I'm not alone.

I'm lucky because I'm not physically going through it anymore. But mentally I am.

The only difference now is I have people to help me on my bad days, who show me and have taught me that I am not alone.

It takes time to learn to live with it. But I am getting there. I'm learning. Every day is a new lesson.


- Stacey xo

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Poem: To Those...

To those with no food on their plates
To those who think that they have no mates
To those who think they shouldn't eat
To those who simply want to concede defeat

To those addicted to some kind of substance
To those who feel as though there is no purpose to their existence
To those who felt abandoned from birth
To those who feel as though they have no self worth

To those with no roof over their head
To those who don't know when they will next be fed
To those who think they would be better off dead
To those who were forced to wed

You are not alone
Just because you battle silently doesn't mean that we don't know
Just because to us you have no name
Doesn't mean that you should feel ashamed
Or feel as though your life is, in the slightest, a little bit lame

There are so many people in this world fighting their battles alone
People who have been cast aside with no chance to grow
Why can't we give another the slightest bit of hope
The smallest hint that they are able to cope

A simple smile when you pass a stranger in town
Could be the remedy to lift their troubled frown



- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs

Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs

Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae

Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs

Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

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Poem: Everyone's Prison

I thought I would have a go at writing a poem as I haven't done it in a while, here's what I came up with:

Everyone's Prison

Your mind is your own cell
Constantly battling with your own personal hell
A secret that you simply can't tell
Putting up a front so that nobody knows
The weakness that you can't afford to expose
Trying to define yourself as a person when you have so many personalities
Just so that you can cover up all of your vulnerabilities

When you are on your own
You're shaking at the bars so that you are not alone
Going around in circles trying to find a solution
For this private personal execution

You want to set yourself free
So that you are able to be
The person you have always known
But have always been to afraid to show


Let me know what you think.

- Esjae xo

Blog: www.esjaeofficial.blogspot.com
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Poem: Do I Belong

Look at me, look at me from behind

What do you find,
Your willing to say your opinions blunt
Look at me, look at me from the front
Your not afraid to confront,
Me, for who you think I should be
Why don't you try and get to know me
Instead of judging me on what you think you can see

You're older and therefore supposedly wiser

But I wouldn't want you as my advisor
Just because one of us carries a knife
It doesn't mean that it's my life
Just because someone fires a bullet from a gun
Doesn't mean that I do it for fun
 
Don't make me take a step back
Just because your opinions' are on the attack
Don't crush my positivity
Simply because you want to surround me in negativity

I'm not all that different from you

I have dreams just like you do
 
Why is it simply because of my age you think you can judge what I do
But why is it disrespectful when I do it to you

I have to earn your respect

Just like some kind of object
But I am told I just have to give it to you
Even though you judge every little thing that I do
 
How is that fair
But I'm not supposed to care
Because I'm just another teenager your allowed to judge

And I'm not meant to hold a grudge

How am I supposed to feel as though I belong

When I'm made to feel as though I've always done something wrong

- Esjae x

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Poetry: Be Proud Of Who You Are

I want to reach out and help you
But I feel useless like there is nothing I can do
I can see the pain in your eyes
I can see through your lies –
Saying that you’ll be alright
This isn’t a battle you have to fight
You don’t have to do this alone
I’ll be there for you, just ask, pick up the phone
Whatever your problem, big or small
I’ll help you to pick yourself up and walk tall

I know that you can do
Anything you put your mind to
And so does everyone else too
Have a little self belief and be proud of who you are
It doesn’t matter that you’re not rich and that you don’t drive a fancy car
You’re you, the one who means so much too so many
To those who don’t care if you don’t have a single penny

 

What do you think?

- Esjae x

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