Poem: 21

Now that I am turning 21
In some ways my life has just begun
Born on 9th November 1993
Who thought I would become the woman I've turned out to be

Fought a battle since I was six years old
Only just found the courage to tell a story I never thought would be told
I have a loving family forever supporting me
Encouraging me to be the best I can be
I have a beautiful fiancée
Who I will love eternally
I may not have had the easiest path to get here
I may have played most of it by ear
But I know I can look back on my past 21 years
Knowing I have worked hard to get here, blood, sweat and tears
Facing many of my fears
Shedding a few tears
Cherishing moments and memories with friends and family
Things I can look back on quite happily

Moved out of my family home
Grown up and created my own
Found a love I never thought I would experience
Finally found my real independence

Looking back there are so many things I am proud of
Looking around me there are so many people that I love
Looking into the future
It's looking like an adventure
Letting go of the past, but it's still travelling with me
Ready to write the next part of my life for everyone to see
Ready to see where this journey will take me
Ready to travel with my friends and family



- Stacey xo

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CSA: Every Day Is A New Lesson

The night before my abuser killed himself I couldn't sleep, it was weird - no matter how much I tried I just couldn't settle so I ended up writing this:

It's easier to explain how I feel in writing than out loud. Saying it makes it real.

No one is to blame for how I feel, no one knew so no one could have done anything to help. I didn't go to the police so that other people could hold themselves accountable there is only one person who is accountable and that is him. He will probably never think that the things he did to me were wrong. But that isn't the worst part, the worst part is that it will never stop, not really. Every incident replays in my mind, forcing me to relive every moment. Seconds I wish to forget but I will never be able to.

He has made it hard for me to trust, how can I trust people when one of the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most took the innocence of my childhood away making me grow up too fast.

At times I don't think about it, at times its as if I've lived a normal life - and then it hits me. All of it comes flooding back. I've tried to forget it, but what will forgetting it really do? I can't remember from before it started, it's always been apart of me - there hasn't been an escape, just a journey. A journey of acceptance, accepting who I was, who I am and who I have become. I don't like to think of myself as a victim or a survivor, neither of those words fit.

When I think about it - I feel dirty, I feel angry, upset, confused and alone. None of those feelings are my fault yet I have to live with them.

I know I'm not alone.

I'm lucky because I'm not physically going through it anymore. But mentally I am.

The only difference now is I have people to help me on my bad days, who show me and have taught me that I am not alone.

It takes time to learn to live with it. But I am getting there. I'm learning. Every day is a new lesson.


- Stacey xo

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Poem: All I Want To Do

A message out of the blue
Reminded me of you
The times we used to spend together
Running around in all types of weather
Then we grew up
We had separate paths to follow, different journeys to pursue
But now I'm back in contact with you
Reminiscing about the old times is all I want to do
 
What do you think?

- Esjae x

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Poem: Until You Make It

I might not be who you want me to be
But I’m telling you now
I’ll be making it back somehow
I’ve been making the headlines
But only because life has no streets signs
To point me in the right direction
I have no angel to offer me protection
So I have to carve my own pathway
Ready for when it’s my day
Don’t be forgetting it
Or you’ll be regretting it
The day you make your name
Is the day when your life won’t be the same
So take your time
And treasure every dime
Don’t use it
Or you’ll abuse it
The faith that you have will never fade
Until the day that your made

 

What do you think?

-Esjae x

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