Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Poem: 21

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Now that I am turning 21
In some ways my life has just begun
Born on 9th November 1993
Who thought I would become the woman I've turned out to be

Fought a battle since I was six years old
Only just found the courage to tell a story I never thought would be told
I have a loving family forever supporting me
Encouraging me to be the best I can be
I have a beautiful fiancée
Who I will love eternally
I may not have had the easiest path to get here
I may have played most of it by ear
But I know I can look back on my past 21 years
Knowing I have worked hard to get here, blood, sweat and tears
Facing many of my fears
Shedding a few tears
Cherishing moments and memories with friends and family
Things I can look back on quite happily

Moved out of my family home
Grown up and created my own
Found a love I never thought I would experience
Finally found my real independence

Looking back there are so many things I am proud of
Looking around me there are so many people that I love
Looking into the future
It's looking like an adventure
Letting go of the past, but it's still travelling with me
Ready to write the next part of my life for everyone to see
Ready to see where this journey will take me
Ready to travel with my friends and family



- Stacey xo

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Life: My Little Love Story

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I've mentioned Katie-Jo quite a bit on my blog now so I thought it was about time I introduced her properly. We met on the 16th September 2013 in our first year of university. Her room was opposite mine in our own little corridor in our shared house.

I remember her standing in my door way looking incredible wearing a pair of white jeans on the first or second night of freshers. I think I have most certainly 'fancied' her since then and if not I have definitely found her incredibly attractive since then. We spent quite a lot of freshers together, I remember one night when we were sat in the kitchen for hours, another night when I pretended to be a spacewoman with a bin on my head planking on the floor resulting in me cutting my chin open.

We gradually went everywhere together even resulting in me going back to Cardiff with her one weekend to see her family. I think I've pretty much been to Cardiff with her every time since. Minus last Christmas, which felt like we were apart forever!

I looked after her when she was ill, she was always there when I needed someone to talk to, we even ended up sleeping in each other beds because we would just fall asleep talking or watching films.

It was weird when we ended up having to go back home for the summer, I felt like a part of me was missing. I ended up going to Cardiff for Katie-Jo's birthday - yet again she looked incredible! We even planned a spur of the moment weekend the week before we were due to move back to Bournemouth for Cardiff Pride and again I ended up staying with her. Saying goodbye to each other after Pride was weird, neither of us seemed to want to do it. Where as we'd normally be making fun of each other we could barely speak to each other.

By the end of my weekend in Cardiff for Pride I couldn't wait to move back to Bournemouth. I had always found her attractive but no matter how many people told us 'we should be together' or 'we would make a good couple' we were both adamant that we were just friends. It wasn't until I saw her car come around the corner, she was late, as usual, that I knew there was definitely something more between us, there had always been 'moments' when I thought what if, but always shook them off thinking that it would ruin the amazing friendship we had.

When we moved into our new house in Bournemouth Katie-Jo started her new job straight away and quite honestly I felt like a lost puppy. I didn't know what to do with myself as the previous year (last year) we had spent basically all day every day together.

On the 7th October 2013 we had had a few drinks and as alcohol does it makes you a little bit more confident. I knew I really 'liked' Katie-Jo but wasn't entirely sure that she felt the same so I kept holding her hand and seeing if I could get any sense of her feeling the same, which I definitely did when she kissed me! We carried on kissing practically all night. Before we went to sleep I remember her asking me 'What's going to happen in the morning' and I replied with 'I'll kiss you' and true to my word the next morning I did exactly that. However we cooled things off until the 9th October 2013 and we have been together ever since then!



On the 17th April 2014 I decided to propose to Katie-Jo. I had been planning it for a while but I couldn't decide when to actually ask her. I had everything to do it so when I went to pick up the ring I got way too excited and decided to do it that day. I was so scared that she would say no I spent ages on the phone to my Mum. I asked her Mum's permission to make sure that it was okay. I had even let her best friend in on it when we visited her in London. I spent ages decorating the living room with ballons and petals, I had had a banner made, I went to the florist and bought her some flowers (a very daunting process when the florist asked me what I was looking for seeing as I have no idea about flowers!), I roped in one of our housemates to help me blow up some balloons. I even hid a camera in the room to be able to capture it. I wanted it to be special and I knew (because she had specifically told me that she didn't want anyone else there) that it had to be somewhere just the two of us - so where better than the place than where we had our first kiss!



On Friday the 1st August we will be moving into our first house together, just the two of us, and I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to seeing where she grew up properly, being able to see her family, and meeting new people.

I can't wait for our future together and what it holds - going on holidays together, being able to spend Christmas together, getting married, having kids!

- Stacey xo


Sunday, 27 July 2014

CSA: Imagine Your House On Fire

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I remember after my abuser had committed suicide it was so hard going and seeing family knowing that they now knew about it.

I really struggled with this, because it was as though my abuser had taken something else out of my hands, by committing suicide. I wanted people to know, but I wasn't ready for it. Although I don't think I would ever be ready for it.

During the week after his death, I broke down quit a lot and I really struggled to explain why to my family, I just felt as though, even though they were trying their best to, they didn't understand.


I explained to my Mum how being abused makes me feel by telling her to imagine coming home everyday and seeing your home being set on fire and not being able to do anything to put it out and just having to watch it burn, seeing all the memories go, all of you belongings, and everything that means anything to you. But not only seeing that once, seeing it everyday that you come home, knowing you can expect that but not knowing what to do about it and not be able to do anything about it. It makes you feel as though you don't want to go home, because you don't feel safe, you don't know what else could happen. You wouldn't just forget about it, you would remember it, the memories of it would follow you. You can't feel safe because you are scared of what will happen.

This was the only way I could explain it to my Mum.

- Stacey xo

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

CSA: My Road To Closure

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When I first thought about getting some sort of 'closure' from what has happened to me I didn't know what or how I wanted to go about it. Here are some of the things I have done and am wanting to do.

My first step was to try and gain some kind of closure was to try and prosecute my abuser, this was unsuccessful due to my abuser committing suicide a week after being questioned by the police.

After discussing with several people including my counsellor and Katie-Jo I decided that I would like to revisit the places in which the abuse took place. I know some people may argue that this will cause me to bring back unnecessary pain and bad memories. But I would like to revisit those places to put the bad memories to rest and also to be able to create some good memories in their place.

I want to raise awareness about sexual abuse, there are several ways in which I want to do this firstly I have been and I am in the process of writing a memoir about my experience which I hope to publish in some way. I would also like to do some fundraising in the future for charities which help victims and survivors of sexual abuse.

Over time I hope to forgive my abuser for what he did. I don't know how or when I will be able to do this. In some ways I feel as though I already am beginning to do this however at other times I feel as though it is something I will never be able to do. This is something that I feel only time can help me with.

- Stacey xo

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Life: What A Year

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Looking back upon this year I can safely say that I, as a person, have come a very long way since September. In some ways I feel as though I am a different person to the one who left Bournemouth to return back to Cambridge at the beginning of last summer. I feel relaxed, comfortable in my own skin and a million times happier. I feel as though I have achieved and overcome things that I didn't think was ever even possible.I can say this year has been one hell of a roller coaster!

Some of the people who know me personally will know that since September I have battled through trying to prosecute the person who sexually abused me from the age of 6 up until I was 19 years old. As part of this I have battled exhaustion, depression and anxiety. I still have days when the anxiety and depression appear into my life but I am coming out the other side of it and learning how to deal with it. I wasn't able to hear the guilty verdict I was hoping to hear but the person who abused me did confess the things he did to me to several other people before taking his own life.

I also 'came out' to all of my friends and family after hiding the fact that I'm gay. I have also found the most amazing girlfriend, partner, fiance, best friend in Katie-Jo - who happened to be my housemate last year, that I could ever ask for. Ever since I confided in her about the sexual abuse last year she has been a rock for me. She's been supportive, encouraging, thoughtful, loving, kind, caring, everything I could have possibly needed. I really couldn't ask for anything more from her, she really is the better half of me. I really believe that without her I wouldn't have found it in me to tell my parents about the sexual abuse I had been through or gone to the police last September. I really can't wait for the rest of our future together and I know that after the year we have had and the things we have faced together we can face anything together.

It's crazy to think that my second and final year on my foundation degree course in Bournemouth is complete especially after contemplating leaving several times. It's crazy to think in a month I will be leaving the place that has been a home, an escape, and one hell of an adventure. I have learnt so much from the people I have met in Bournemouth, I know there are people I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life and there are others who will stay with this chapter of it but they have all helped to make it a very special time of my life.

While this year has quite possibly been one of the hardest I have ever faced with the video interviews, counselling, exhaustion, depression, anxiety and flashbacks I can safely say that I have come out of the other side of it all.

I am really looking forward to moving to Cardiff with my better half and starting the next chapter of our lives together. Lets hope the next year is a better one.


What a journey!

- Stacey xo