Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Me, Myself and I… And This Blog!

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How exciting, this is the first post on this blog... it's all shiny and new - maybe not shiny but definitely new! I thought I'd create a new blog to write about my new (not really) adult life - sharing is caring. I never considered being 18 as being an adult, I don't know why... Probably because I was still a teenager I always saw becoming 20 as becoming an adult as it’s the start of a new decade and new responsibilities.

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I am Stacey (that is my real name, in case you were wondering) and I have lived on this planet for 20 whole years - I miss being a teenager already, 20 feels old... too old. I have been 20 for 25 whole days and I already feel old - how is that even possible! I was born in Cambridge, UK and lived there for the majority of my life, well until last September - I have never really appreciated its history and why its famous until when I went back in June after being away at university for the year. I now live in Bournemouth and am currently battling to complete the second (and final) year of my foundation degree in Business and Management, I'm hoping to get on to the top up course next year. When I say I got to university people assume that I'm clever, I don't know why... I don't see myself as clever, in fact I know I'm not! Getting myself through my assignments is a massive battle, I always feel like I know absolutely nothing about the topic, I have basically zero concentration, I never know where to start and I get distracted far too easily. But I am getting there, slowly.

I have a weird obsession with star signs and horoscopes that not many people know about! I am a Scorpio it’s probably because I am so similar to my star sign and it weirds me out, it always fascinates me to see if other people have any of the attributes to their star sign. I just simply find it fascinating.

WP_20131110_023 I have a (un)healthy addiction to several things. I’m not even joking when I say I eat ridiculous amounts of chocolate, I have no idea how I haven’t put on crazy amounts of weight – can quite happily just eat chocolate all day everyday (but then who couldn’t!). I own several onesies too many – they are far too comfortable not to wear them (the giraffe one is one of my favourites)! I spend nearly all my life attached to my phone or laptop, I’m probably seen as one of the most unsociable people in the world (well at least the county) this is as a result of my unhealthy addiction to the internet. I’m nearly always wearing a hat, snapbacks are my current favourite at the moment. I have an unhealthy love for Toy Story, it’s one (probably my most) favourite film of all time and if you know me personally and don’t know that by now you should be ashamed of yourself.

I have an awesome family who I know I can turn to with anything and everything. We’re like any family we wind each other up but at the end of the day we are always there for each other. I love them all to to pieces. My Mum is literally one of my best friends – I’m really lucky to have been able to have this kind of relationship with my Mum from quite a young age and I’ve always had a lot of respect for her and have always looked up to her, I moan about her at times – but she knows me on a whole other level compared to everyone else – I can talk to her about almost anything and she is one of ‘those’ people who I know I can always count on without fail. My relationship with my Dad is quite strong, it’s definitely become stronger as I’ve gotten older, I know I can always turn to him if I need him and I don’t just scream and shout at him like I used to – he’s one of the people I respect and he can fix almost anything and everything. When I was younger I didn’t always show my dad how much I appreciated him, and I pushed him away quite a bit and as I have gotten older I have recognised this and slowly tried to fix it. My parents, are incredibly supportive and have always supported me (as well as my brother and sister) without fail, they don’t really judge us and they guide us but don’t dictate to us which is something I have always respected and appreciated (even though I might not have always shown it). My (older) sister, Natasha, and (younger) brother, Aaron, are two of the people (other than my parents) I am most protective over in the world, I would hate for anything to happen to them, I have so many memories with them growing up and they probably don’t even really know how much they mean to me. Looking at the three of us you probably wouldn’t think we are that close, but I know I can always talk to my sister and turn to her for help if I need it and my brother is just as crazy as I am and we are so similar its weird. My whole family just means so much to me and I don’t know what I’d do without them

altAlx5BKoiMbVvFqtWMEcJa9I-AdtFYVD22Zro84GlRr2q_jpg I have an incredibly awesome and beautiful girlfriend, who’s name is Kaite-Jo she happens to not only be my girlfriend but also one of my best friends which is the best combination because it means I can turn to her with everything and anything. Yes, I have a girlfriend, yes this also means I’m not ‘straight’ although no I’m not ‘gay’ – I’m somewhere in the middle probably a lot closer to being gay than being straight. But who cares! I’m ridiculously happy and really couldn’t imagine being with anyone else! We actually haven’t known each other for very long but it feels like I have known her forever and I definitely feel lucky to have her as part of my life and even luckier to be able to call her my girlfriend.

I have several really close friends, who help me through a lot and this is going to be hard because I don’t want to name every single person who has helped me out, but there are several people who I speak to regularly, know I can lean on and mean an awful lot to me. Basically what I am saying is if you actually know me and I don’t name you please don’t be offended. When I came to university I felt like I was drifting away from a lot of my friends, I was at a point in sixth form college where I was drifting in and out of friendship groups and didn’t really feel like I belonged anywhere. I’m 100 percent definitely not saying the friends I had a sixth form were rubbish, far from it – it’s just they didn’t always feel like they were the strongest friendships and ever since leaving sixth form we rarely speak.  However (back to the original point), When I came to uni I met three girls (other than Katie-Jo) who I have become really close to, Rachael, Megan, and Josie. Megan was the first person on my course that I met, and we have stayed friends ever since. Rachael, I became close to during our first assignment last year and then gradually she basically moved into our house at the end of last year. I was gutted when she quit because we became so close although I know I can always chat to her if I need to. My friendship with Josie grew at the end of last year too we just ended up talking about our lives and I know if I need a chat I can turn to her.

Two of my closest friends which I have known for quite a while (almost feels like forever) are Bethany (Betherz) and Rachael Robinson (there are loads of them in the world!).  Bethany moved to my secondary school and we clicked almost instantly, we could be dickheads together and we didn’t care, I’m almost always in stitches when we’re together – she also got me one of my jobs (what a top friend).  Rachael I met when I was playing football but really got on when we worked together, she always makes me laugh and I know she’s got my back and I’ve got hers.

There are quite a few people I want to mention here thinking about it but I’m only going to mention one other person, Annie. I met her right at the end of last year she came and stayed with us in our shared house as she’s Katie-Jo’s friend although I ended up inviting her to stay when I was drunk, and we just got on. She’s one of those people who you feel like you’ve known for a really long time. She can also make me laugh with her stories about really random stuff.

The one thing I value most about all of my friends is that I can always have a laugh with them and they all know I don’t take myself too seriously and they don’t really care about it.

I can imagine this blog is going to basically me just chatting about a whole bunch of random stuff, as well as a place for me to vent and rant about stuff.

Anyways that’s it – if you want to know more about me, come back and check this blog out soon!

- Stacey xo

Friday, 19 April 2013

Poem: My Point Of View

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I'm stuck in this nightmare
Struggling to act like I don't care
You got yourself into this mess
I wish I could pretend that I couldn't careless

I've tried helping you time and time again
But there's no helping you
It's not a question of if but when
It's almost like you can't help the things you do
Acting out like you have no clue
Especially about how much your hurting everyone around you

I wish you could see that what you're doing isn't right
And that you could appreciate why we've all put up such a fight
Your not only damaging yourself
Through ruining your health
But your making it hard to love you
When you do all the things you do

I wish there was something I could do to stop it all
You don't know what its like to watch you fall
Deeper into that blac khole that takes over all of you
I just wish you knew
What all of this does to me
And then maybe you would see
What its like living this life from my point of view



- Esjae xo

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Poem - Addict

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Shivering
Scratching at your skin
As if trying to let it in
Mind buzzing
Unable to focus
Eyes darting
Living like a dog
And then it comes
Sharp and powerful
A jolt of life into your body
How long will it last
Your heroin fix

I remember writing this one, I wrote one more recently quite like this. Which one do you prefer?

- Esjae

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Forever an Addict available on youtube

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Firstly, - Thank you for watching! If you enjoyed it please share it too! Also it would be great if you could tell me what you think of the poem by commenting with your thoughts. I would really appreciate it if you subscribed too or add me as a friend - also if you want other ways to contact me check out the links below.

Poem:

You drive me mad with temptations
Sending my mind crazy with hallucinations
The driving force to my day to day existence
I try not to but every time I have to give into your persistence
I'm trying to forget about you, scratching at my skin
I don't want to let you in
But your there, I'm yearning for your buzz
Once you're in, you help me forget, it all becomes a haze surrounded in a cloudy fuzz
I don't want you but I need you
It's like you're inside my head, you're reading my mind, you knew
I need to end this cycle, I need to get out of this rhythm
I don't want you, I want my freedom
But I need you, where have you gone
It was only an hour ago, but it feels so long
I need you yet again
But you lost me my home evicted by the councilmen
I'm homeless, got nowhere to go
I only took you once, then... I just don't know
I just needed you inside me
Like on my own I couldn't be free
Look at my life now
You weren't a bulldozer you were a plough
Turned my whole life upside down day by day
I was on the straight and narrow but you told me to stray
Now it's time to get back
Even though you put everything I once had under attack
I'm going to build it all up, but you won't knock it down again
Forever an addict, but I'll fight it... amen

 

LINKS:

Twitter: http://twitter.com/sj2093
Blog: http://esjaeofficial.blogspot.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/esjaeofficial

Monday, 27 June 2011

Forever an Addict

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You drive me mad with temptations
Sending my mind crazy with hallucinations
The driving force to my day to day existence
I try not to but every time I have to give into your persistence
I'm trying to forget about you, scratching at my skin
I don't want to let you in
But your there, I'm yearning for your buzz
Once you're in, you help me forget it all becomes a haze surrounded in a cloudy fuzz
I don't want you but I need you
It's like you're inside my head, you're reading my mind, you knew
I need to end this cycle, I need to get out of this rhythm
I don't want you, I want my freedom
But I need you, where have you gone
It was only an hour ago, but it feels so long
I need you yet again
But you lost me my home evicted by the councilmen
I'm homeless, got nowhere to go
I only took you once, then... I just don't know
I just needed you inside me
Like on my own I couldn't be free
Look at my life now
You weren't a bulldozer you were a plough
Turned my whole life upside down day by day
I was on the straight and narrow but you told me to stray
Now it's time to get back
Even though you put everything I once had under attack
I'm going to build it all up, but you won't knock it down again
Forever an addict, but I'll fight it... amen