Thursday, 31 July 2014

Life: Bye Bournemouth

Standard

Tomorrow we move to Cardiff! It feels like it has taken ages to get to this point as packing has been a long a drawn out process! But it is all finally done, everything is in boxes. It's weird seeing everything packed up like that. I'm not sure I like it, it's weird not having everything around the house. I think the part that was the worst bit to do was all the the cleaning, it felt like we were having to go back over everything because we needed to use the kitchen or the bathroom or we noticed we had missed something. However I definitely think we have learnt some lessons for moving in the future as I didn't realise how much needed to be done in order to move as my parents had always done it when we had moved before. Although I think for our first real attempt we have done quite well between us!

Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly tomorrow. I hope that the weather stays dry so that we can head to the beach one last time while we wait for Clare and Dermott to arrive with the van. I think it will be quite stressful loading the van but once its done it will be okay. we will be staying at Clare's house on Friday night so there isn't a huge pressure on how long it takes to get to Cardiff.

The part I really can't wait for is to get our keys on Saturday and finally moving in to our new house.  Hopefully unpacking is a lot quicker than packing was!

- Stacey xo


Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Life: My Little Love Story

Standard
I've mentioned Katie-Jo quite a bit on my blog now so I thought it was about time I introduced her properly. We met on the 16th September 2013 in our first year of university. Her room was opposite mine in our own little corridor in our shared house.

I remember her standing in my door way looking incredible wearing a pair of white jeans on the first or second night of freshers. I think I have most certainly 'fancied' her since then and if not I have definitely found her incredibly attractive since then. We spent quite a lot of freshers together, I remember one night when we were sat in the kitchen for hours, another night when I pretended to be a spacewoman with a bin on my head planking on the floor resulting in me cutting my chin open.

We gradually went everywhere together even resulting in me going back to Cardiff with her one weekend to see her family. I think I've pretty much been to Cardiff with her every time since. Minus last Christmas, which felt like we were apart forever!

I looked after her when she was ill, she was always there when I needed someone to talk to, we even ended up sleeping in each other beds because we would just fall asleep talking or watching films.

It was weird when we ended up having to go back home for the summer, I felt like a part of me was missing. I ended up going to Cardiff for Katie-Jo's birthday - yet again she looked incredible! We even planned a spur of the moment weekend the week before we were due to move back to Bournemouth for Cardiff Pride and again I ended up staying with her. Saying goodbye to each other after Pride was weird, neither of us seemed to want to do it. Where as we'd normally be making fun of each other we could barely speak to each other.

By the end of my weekend in Cardiff for Pride I couldn't wait to move back to Bournemouth. I had always found her attractive but no matter how many people told us 'we should be together' or 'we would make a good couple' we were both adamant that we were just friends. It wasn't until I saw her car come around the corner, she was late, as usual, that I knew there was definitely something more between us, there had always been 'moments' when I thought what if, but always shook them off thinking that it would ruin the amazing friendship we had.

When we moved into our new house in Bournemouth Katie-Jo started her new job straight away and quite honestly I felt like a lost puppy. I didn't know what to do with myself as the previous year (last year) we had spent basically all day every day together.

On the 7th October 2013 we had had a few drinks and as alcohol does it makes you a little bit more confident. I knew I really 'liked' Katie-Jo but wasn't entirely sure that she felt the same so I kept holding her hand and seeing if I could get any sense of her feeling the same, which I definitely did when she kissed me! We carried on kissing practically all night. Before we went to sleep I remember her asking me 'What's going to happen in the morning' and I replied with 'I'll kiss you' and true to my word the next morning I did exactly that. However we cooled things off until the 9th October 2013 and we have been together ever since then!



On the 17th April 2014 I decided to propose to Katie-Jo. I had been planning it for a while but I couldn't decide when to actually ask her. I had everything to do it so when I went to pick up the ring I got way too excited and decided to do it that day. I was so scared that she would say no I spent ages on the phone to my Mum. I asked her Mum's permission to make sure that it was okay. I had even let her best friend in on it when we visited her in London. I spent ages decorating the living room with ballons and petals, I had had a banner made, I went to the florist and bought her some flowers (a very daunting process when the florist asked me what I was looking for seeing as I have no idea about flowers!), I roped in one of our housemates to help me blow up some balloons. I even hid a camera in the room to be able to capture it. I wanted it to be special and I knew (because she had specifically told me that she didn't want anyone else there) that it had to be somewhere just the two of us - so where better than the place than where we had our first kiss!



On Friday the 1st August we will be moving into our first house together, just the two of us, and I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to seeing where she grew up properly, being able to see her family, and meeting new people.

I can't wait for our future together and what it holds - going on holidays together, being able to spend Christmas together, getting married, having kids!

- Stacey xo


Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Poem: I Look Upto You

Standard
I have been given something not everyone gets the chance of
The who don't are angels in the sky looking down on us from the sky above
People we wish were here with us, people we will never forget
People we weren't ready to say goodbye to yet

Because of them I can't give up when things get too hard
Because of them I put a smile on my face even though my mind might be scarred

When I don't know what to do
All I have to look at you
And I'll know you're looking back down at me
Even though you aren't visible for me to see.


- Stacey xo

Monday, 28 July 2014

Poem: Sometimes I Might

Standard
I'm gonna put a smile on my face
Otherwise I'll look like I'm in a distant place
Experiencing things I'll never forget
Related to someone I wish I never met
But deep inside something tells me to keep going
Deep inside something tells me to keep growing

Sometimes I might seem like a closed book
Sometimes when you talk I might not be able to look
I might feel uncomfortable in a room full of people
I don't want to be treated differently, we're simply equal
I might fidget when I talk about topics that don't come naturally
I might have hard days but they only last temporarily
Sometimes I might want to bolt straight out of the door
But I am a person, nothing less and nothing more

I am not defined by the things that have happened to me
I am me, the person I want to be
The person standing in front of you that you can see.


- Stacey xo

Sunday, 27 July 2014

CSA: Imagine Your House On Fire

Standard
I remember after my abuser had committed suicide it was so hard going and seeing family knowing that they now knew about it.

I really struggled with this, because it was as though my abuser had taken something else out of my hands, by committing suicide. I wanted people to know, but I wasn't ready for it. Although I don't think I would ever be ready for it.

During the week after his death, I broke down quit a lot and I really struggled to explain why to my family, I just felt as though, even though they were trying their best to, they didn't understand.


I explained to my Mum how being abused makes me feel by telling her to imagine coming home everyday and seeing your home being set on fire and not being able to do anything to put it out and just having to watch it burn, seeing all the memories go, all of you belongings, and everything that means anything to you. But not only seeing that once, seeing it everyday that you come home, knowing you can expect that but not knowing what to do about it and not be able to do anything about it. It makes you feel as though you don't want to go home, because you don't feel safe, you don't know what else could happen. You wouldn't just forget about it, you would remember it, the memories of it would follow you. You can't feel safe because you are scared of what will happen.

This was the only way I could explain it to my Mum.

- Stacey xo

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Life: Results Confusion

Standard

So as a result of the investigation and my abusers suicide I didn't sit the final exams of my foundation degree and now have to do the resits in August (luckily I get to do them uncapped due to my mitigating circumstances). However this has caused so many problems for my Top Up course as the results aren't my final grades and it doesn't work with UCAS.

Its so stressful especially as I have to revise for the resits and get all of my packing done for moving. I wish it was all so much more straight forward. To be honest it would be nice to just know I definitely had a place on the course because all I want to do is get my degree completed.

Hopefully it all gets sorted soon!

- Stacey xo

Thursday, 24 July 2014

CSA: Fundraising

Standard
As a part of moving on from my sexual abuse and raising awareness of it. I would like to, in the near future, do some fundraising for charities that help people who are going through and have been through sexual abuse.

I'm not entirely sure what I will be doing but I'm hoping to do something with my poetry, some challenges and maybe some events.

I'll post anything that is going on here and on my facebook page.

- Stacey xo

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Life: One Step Closer

Standard
Time seems to be going by so quickly at the moment! The big move to Cardiff is getting so close and so many things are coming to an end. In some ways it is sad to see things coming to an end in Bournemouth and other ways it exciting as I am going to see new things, meet new people and get to start a whole new chapter in my life with Katie-Jo.

On Monday I had my last shift at work. I have only been working there since January but it has been amazing, I have met a lot of people and worked along side people who I hope to stay in touch with. It was important for me to have a job this year at university as it has helped me on some of my hardest days by giving me something to get up in the morning for and something to focus on. I was so lucky that my boss was so supportive whilst the police investigation was going on. When I got offered my job back in December 2013 I couldn't wait to start, I was going to be back in an environment I was used to and I was going to be able to get out of the house and have something to do with my time. Having a job makes me feel as though I have a purpose and has always given me a way to concentrate my mind something that was very important this year as everything was feeling so raw again.

The prospect of having to look for another job when we move to Cardiff is daunting, but I'm definitely looking forward to the challenge. I'm also looking forward to having the chance to meet new people and to be able to learn new skills. Hopefully it won't take me too long to find a new job.

As one chapter closes and another one is closer to starting. While it was sad to say goodbye to the people I worked with and also my job I am looking forward to moving with Katie-Jo and all of the exciting things that are going to come our way as a result of moving.

- Stacey xo

CSA: My Road To Closure

Standard


When I first thought about getting some sort of 'closure' from what has happened to me I didn't know what or how I wanted to go about it. Here are some of the things I have done and am wanting to do.

My first step was to try and gain some kind of closure was to try and prosecute my abuser, this was unsuccessful due to my abuser committing suicide a week after being questioned by the police.

After discussing with several people including my counsellor and Katie-Jo I decided that I would like to revisit the places in which the abuse took place. I know some people may argue that this will cause me to bring back unnecessary pain and bad memories. But I would like to revisit those places to put the bad memories to rest and also to be able to create some good memories in their place.

I want to raise awareness about sexual abuse, there are several ways in which I want to do this firstly I have been and I am in the process of writing a memoir about my experience which I hope to publish in some way. I would also like to do some fundraising in the future for charities which help victims and survivors of sexual abuse.

Over time I hope to forgive my abuser for what he did. I don't know how or when I will be able to do this. In some ways I feel as though I already am beginning to do this however at other times I feel as though it is something I will never be able to do. This is something that I feel only time can help me with.

- Stacey xo

Monday, 21 July 2014

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Life: Moving

Standard
I have spent a lot of time over the past week thinking in reality how lucky I actually am. I have an incredible fiancée who has given me a ridiculous amount of support over the last year, I have an amazing family and an incredible group of friends.

There have been plenty of challenges and hurdles over the past year but I'm still here, and I have a new chapter in my life that is just about to start.

Two weeks today me and Katie-Jo will be waking up for the first time in our new house in Cardiff. I am so excited. It's going to be such an amazing new adventure. I can't wait to have our own house together - its a huge step in a relationship to move in together. Yes we do live together now, but we also live with 3 other people as well - it hasn't ever just been the two of us. So I really can't wait for everything to be 'ours' and only have to worry about the two of us. I'm just so excited for this next year.

Things I am looking forward to:
 
  • Moving House
  • Finding a New Job
  • Starting My New Course
  • Settling in to Cardiff
  • Meeting New People
There are so many other things I'm looking forward to as a part of moving, it just feels like its such a positive step in the right direction.

- Stacey xo

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Friday, 18 July 2014

CSA: Forgiveness

Standard
I wrote this in one of my notebooks during the police investigation:

Forgiveness isn't forgetting its acceptance of the things you can't change in the past to have the future you deserve. I forgive him everyday so that I could listen to people talk about him positively, be in the same room as him, have a conversation with him. But I'll never forget.


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Thursday, 17 July 2014

CSA: Nightmares and Flashbacks

Standard
Image from: http://whatittakestobeme.org
Quite simply a flashback makes you feel as though you are experiencing a situation again. For me I flashbacks mean being sent back in time to anyone of the many times I was sexually abused. There are many things that trigger them, it can be a smell, a sound (words and phrases), the appearance of a room, someone's mannerisms. The list is endless. Sometimes I won't even see them coming and I can't figure out where they come from.

Ever since I was sexually abused night time has become one of the hardest times for me as this is when I experience nightmares and the flashbacks tend to strike too. I am more fortunate now as the more I have suffered them the more I have been able to understand and recognised the triggers of the flashbacks I experience meaning sometimes I can avoid them happening. The nightmares I have never felt I have had much control over, I never see them coming. Sometimes they can happen every night for a period of time other times they can be quite irregular.

I think it is important for people to recognise that for a victim of sexual abuse the effects of it it doesn't just stop when the abuse stops. Flashbacks and nightmares are very terrifying and have lead to me being afraid of going to sleep for quite some time. Resulting in me experiencing exhaustion. This fear has come and gone over the years, sometimes it is just a niggling feeling others it just takes over me and I can't stop thinking about.

I'm lucky that over the period of time where the flashbacks and nightmares became particularly bad Katie-Jo was and has been there. I told her that I experience them and explained what it meant and as a result she helps me through them. I am lucky because I can be honest with her about it. The flashbacks and nightmares have happened quite regularly over the past year so she has been able to recognise when they take place. She doesn't make me tell her about what the nightmare or flashback was about. She's 'just there'. She'll tell me that everything is okay and hold me.

Experiencing the flashbacks is horrible and can be terrifying at times but it particularly makes me me angry that it can still effect me and very embarrassed. It wasn't easy to tell Katie-Jo about them, some people in my family still don't know that I experience them.

Here is a good printable article about flashbacks [LINK]

- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

CSA: I'm Scared

Standard
This came from a notebook and was written very early on in my police investigation:

I'm scared:

  • of losing my family
  • everyone thinking I'm lying
  • people believing him over me
  • him getting away with it
  • losing the people I care about
  • all of this making how I feel worse and not better.


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

CSA: Keep Me Grounded

Standard
A quote from one of my notebooks



"Keep me grounded"


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

CSA: Receiving Support

Standard

One of the hardest parts about telling people that I had been through sexual abuse was thinking that no one would believe me. That I would face it alone.

The reality was I wasn't alone from the moment I started confiding in people about what happened. Knowing people believed in me gave me the courage to tell my parents and even the police. The most important part was no one judged me for not coming forward sooner, for not feeling like I could talk about it sooner and no one pressed me to talk about it unless I wanted to.

Once I did tell my parents about what had happened to me it felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, they left it completely up to me whether I wanted to go to the police or not but at the same time made sure that I knew they were behind me and believed me.

Having the support of the people closest to me was incredible knowing they believed me and just wanted to support me.

Supporting a victim sexual abuse is a hard thing to do but it will mean everything to them.

- Stacey xo

CSA: I've Cried Too Many Tears

Standard
A quote from one of my notebooks:



"I've cried too many tears to be able to show my true fears."


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Monday, 14 July 2014

CSA: How Do They Know

Standard
A quote from one of my notebooks:



"People don't understand but they say I'll be okay,
How do they know?"


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Sunday, 13 July 2014

CSA: The Shocking Statistics

Standard
I am very aware that technically I am a statistic. I don't feel like one but that doesn't change the fact that I am one.

Even as a victim of childhood sexual abuse I still find the statistics shocking - and I know alot of people do too.

It is estimated that 1 in 6 males and 1 in 4 women have been sexually abused as children in the United Kingdom. We have to also consider how many victims/survivors of abuse never speak out.

Police recorded over 23,000 sex offences against children aged under 18 years in England and Wales between April 2010 and March 2011. (NSPCC)

“The majority of perpetrators sexually assault children known to them, with about 80% of offences taking place in the home of either the offender or the victim.” (Grubin, Don 1998)

A survey carried out by the University of North London in 1991 discovered that 1 in 2 girls and 1 in 4 boys in the United Kingdom will have been sexually abused (any event or interaction which the young person reported as abusive or unwanted) by the time they reach 18 years of age.

In the millenium year a study was carried out which concluded that childhood sexual abuse is still prevalent in our society. The study found that 11% of boys under 16 and 21% of girls under 16 experience csa within their childhood.

The Internet Watch Foundation released a report in the Autumn of 2007 which stated that around 1.5 million adults in the UK had seen child abuse online. A third of the csa websites had images of the most severe kinds of abuse. Also along side this 1 in 3 children pictured on these website were under 3 years of age and a further 1 in 20 were under 6 years of age.

A study in America found that people who had suffered from csa were 12 times more likely to attempt suicide.

An estimated 55,000 children who have experienced sexual abuse receive no therapeutic support each year because of a shortfall in the availability of therapeutic services. (Allnock, Debra et all 2009)

There is only one therapeutic support programme for every 25,000 children living in the UK and many areas provide no therapeutic provision for sexually abused children at all. (Allnock, Debra et all 2009)

A 1997 study by HMP Inspectorate concluded that between 30 and as many as 70% of female prisoners had experienced csa.

*(Some statistic are from ‘New Shoes’ By Rebecca Mitchell)


I have taken this collection of statistics from Kate Swift's blog This Tangled Web from the page C.S.A Facts and Figures please visit this page to view more information around the subject.


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

CSA: On The Outside I'm So Big

Standard
A quote from one of my notebooks:



"On the inside I'm so small, On the outside I'm so big"

- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Saturday, 12 July 2014

CSA: It's Easy

Standard
A Quote from one of my notebooks:


"It's easy to hide feelings people don't know you know how to feel"




- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs


CSA: An Open Letter To My Abuser

Standard

5th October 2013

To My Abuser,

Ever since that first night every night is a long night. I have tried to blame myself for the things you have done to me but I can't because it's no ones fault other than yours.

Some days I feel like I'm fighting a battle that has no way of being won, some days I don't want to face the day, sometimes I just want everything to stop. But then I think, if I wasn't here then you have won - no one would know and you could be doing, what you have done, continue to do to me, to someone else.

Everything for you is so normal, so easy - there are no consequences for what you have done. Not yet.

Outside of me I project a confident, happy, smiling person, on the inside I'm stuck. I'm still that little girl I was on that first night, frozen, I don't want her to be within me any more it's like having a ghost haunting me everyday and night making me relive every tough you made on me, torturing me - I don't want you and what you did to define me. Not any more.

Some days I want to cry. But I feel stupid. Why should I cry any more over something I can't control.

Sometimes when I was younger I wouldn't eat properly. I would do everything I could to avoid it simply to just prove to myself that I still had some control over myself, me, my body.

I'm scared now, more than ever that Nan & Granddad won't believe it and that I'll lose them to you and what you did to me.

Sometimes its harder now that people know, sometimes I preferred it when they thought I was being a typical teenager with ridiculous moods.

The weird thing is I don't wish you any harm or hurt, I don't feel the need to insult you and call you names. I pity you and the fact  you  had to take the innocence of a young girl, your niece, your sister's daughter away.

The worst thing for me is that I'll never know why, why me, what did I do?

This, you, what you did is always there in my mind. If it's not what I'm thinking about right then it is still there waiting to come to the front of my mind. You shouldn't have that much of my mind.

Sometime I get angry at everyone else telling me it will be okay. But it will be it's just frustrating that no one can tell me when or how to make it okay.

I've always wanted to prove myself. I used to think it was to my Mum and Dad but recently I've realised it wasn't/ It was to me and you. To me to show me you don't control me. To you to show you that what you did won't hold me back.

This will always be with me. I don't like the word victim and I don't like the word survivor. I'm none of those things - to me I'm Stacey. Stacey with a secret, a past, a story. Everyone has one, some people might say that mine is more shocking, horrific, or some other word but I don't. There are people in this world who have been through worse and are going through worse. It's the thought of people like them that makes me thankful and makes me want to keep fighting my little battle. I'm still here able to fight, some people don't have that chance.

I don't want your daughter to lose her Dad to a prison sentence. But then its not fair for her to live with the belief that you haven't done anything wrong. When you have taken so much from me.

Getting this far wasn't easy but for you I bet it was. Telling my Mum and Dad was the worst thing I have ever done. I felt like I had torn their world apart when in reality it was you. I have been dealing with this for so long but for them it's all new. They have so many questions and I don't want to be answering them. You should be answering them and you will be because I've finally been able to go to the police.

When all of this comes out I don't know what will happen I'm scared of everyone's reaction. If they will believe me. In their eyes you do everything right, you have a good job, you fix everyone's probems. It's ironic really because you made a huge problem for me.

I've got more fears now than when all of this was actually happening.




The letter finishes there and I didn't sign it off. I remember writing this letter in the early hours one morning when I couldn't sleep and was thinking things over and over.

- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs



Friday, 11 July 2014

CSA: I've Been Down So Low

Standard




Lyrics from James Morrison's song Wonderful World

"I've been down so low people look at me and they know. They can tell something is wrong, like I don't belong"

- Stacey xo


You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

CSA: Every Day Is A New Lesson

Standard
The night before my abuser killed himself I couldn't sleep, it was weird - no matter how much I tried I just couldn't settle so I ended up writing this:

It's easier to explain how I feel in writing than out loud. Saying it makes it real.

No one is to blame for how I feel, no one knew so no one could have done anything to help. I didn't go to the police so that other people could hold themselves accountable there is only one person who is accountable and that is him. He will probably never think that the things he did to me were wrong. But that isn't the worst part, the worst part is that it will never stop, not really. Every incident replays in my mind, forcing me to relive every moment. Seconds I wish to forget but I will never be able to.

He has made it hard for me to trust, how can I trust people when one of the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most took the innocence of my childhood away making me grow up too fast.

At times I don't think about it, at times its as if I've lived a normal life - and then it hits me. All of it comes flooding back. I've tried to forget it, but what will forgetting it really do? I can't remember from before it started, it's always been apart of me - there hasn't been an escape, just a journey. A journey of acceptance, accepting who I was, who I am and who I have become. I don't like to think of myself as a victim or a survivor, neither of those words fit.

When I think about it - I feel dirty, I feel angry, upset, confused and alone. None of those feelings are my fault yet I have to live with them.

I know I'm not alone.

I'm lucky because I'm not physically going through it anymore. But mentally I am.

The only difference now is I have people to help me on my bad days, who show me and have taught me that I am not alone.

It takes time to learn to live with it. But I am getting there. I'm learning. Every day is a new lesson.


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs
Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs
Subscribe on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialesjae
Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard
Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs
Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Thursday, 10 July 2014

CSA: A Background to my Poetry

Standard
I have been asked so many times in the past why I write poems, what my poems are about. Sometimes it is obvious what my poems are about - other times they are more cryptic.

Whilst I was being sexually abused I felt so alone, so isolated. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't speak to anyone about the abuse I was going through, I didn't know how to or what to say - but most of all I didn't think that anyone would believe me.

During one of the periods in time when the sexual abuse was happening very regularly I wrote an awful lot of poetry. I find that writing my feelings is a hell of a lot easier that talk about them out loud. Talking about it out loud makes everything 'real' and at that time I wanted to forget about it as much as possible. 

Looking back at some of my poems now, I was in a very dark place and I wanted help I just didn't know how to get myself that help.

I still write about being sexual abused now and I think I always probably will because some days it affects me more than others. Sometimes I just need to express how I feel and I don't really want to talk to a person about it, I just simply want to get my feelings out.

- Stacey xo

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Life: What A Year

Standard
Looking back upon this year I can safely say that I, as a person, have come a very long way since September. In some ways I feel as though I am a different person to the one who left Bournemouth to return back to Cambridge at the beginning of last summer. I feel relaxed, comfortable in my own skin and a million times happier. I feel as though I have achieved and overcome things that I didn't think was ever even possible.I can say this year has been one hell of a roller coaster!

Some of the people who know me personally will know that since September I have battled through trying to prosecute the person who sexually abused me from the age of 6 up until I was 19 years old. As part of this I have battled exhaustion, depression and anxiety. I still have days when the anxiety and depression appear into my life but I am coming out the other side of it and learning how to deal with it. I wasn't able to hear the guilty verdict I was hoping to hear but the person who abused me did confess the things he did to me to several other people before taking his own life.

I also 'came out' to all of my friends and family after hiding the fact that I'm gay. I have also found the most amazing girlfriend, partner, fiance, best friend in Katie-Jo - who happened to be my housemate last year, that I could ever ask for. Ever since I confided in her about the sexual abuse last year she has been a rock for me. She's been supportive, encouraging, thoughtful, loving, kind, caring, everything I could have possibly needed. I really couldn't ask for anything more from her, she really is the better half of me. I really believe that without her I wouldn't have found it in me to tell my parents about the sexual abuse I had been through or gone to the police last September. I really can't wait for the rest of our future together and I know that after the year we have had and the things we have faced together we can face anything together.

It's crazy to think that my second and final year on my foundation degree course in Bournemouth is complete especially after contemplating leaving several times. It's crazy to think in a month I will be leaving the place that has been a home, an escape, and one hell of an adventure. I have learnt so much from the people I have met in Bournemouth, I know there are people I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life and there are others who will stay with this chapter of it but they have all helped to make it a very special time of my life.

While this year has quite possibly been one of the hardest I have ever faced with the video interviews, counselling, exhaustion, depression, anxiety and flashbacks I can safely say that I have come out of the other side of it all.

I am really looking forward to moving to Cardiff with my better half and starting the next chapter of our lives together. Lets hope the next year is a better one.


What a journey!

- Stacey xo

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Learn The Pants Rule

Standard
Learn the Pants Rule! A Campaign Launched by the NSPCC this time last year. 23,000 child sex offences were recorded in the last year by police in England and Wales. The idea behind the campaign is to make it easier for parents and carers to talk to and explain sexual abuse to primary school aged children.

Privates are private
Always remember your body belongs to you
No means no
Talk about secrets that upset you
Speak up, someone can help

Share the photo and help the message get around and help give more children the chance to speak up and speak out - you don't know who this might help

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Poem: She

Standard
She's like chocolate on a rainy day
She's the words I can't say
She's the comfort in the dark
She's the long walks in the park
She's the hand I want to hold
She's the one who holds the secrets I've never told
She's the future in my present
She's the one who makes me content
She's the laughter in my eyes
She's the comfort when I can't help but cry
She's the smile on my face
She's the one who puts me in a happy place
She's my perfect kiss
She's the one I never want to miss
She's the one I want by my side
She's the one in whom I can always confide
She's the one whose love I never want to hide
She's the one who makes everything fun
She's the one who I wake up next to in the morning sun
She's everything I have ever asked for
She's the one I'll always adore




- Stacey xo

Poem: Real Love

Standard
I might only be twenty
But that doesn't mean
I don't know what's truly real love

We could spend every second of our lives together
But I'll still wish those seconds could last forever
I could be holding her close to me
But that doesn't mean
I don't wish she was even closer

It's like a connection fuelled by electricity
Connecting her to me
Invisible for anyone else to see



- Stacey xo

Poem: A Mother's Love

Standard
Ever since 9th November 1993
You've been the biggest part of me
Giving me memories that I'll treasure
Surrounding me in a love that will last forever

You were there for my first word
By my side whenever a problem occurred
Taught me to walk
And held me when I couldn't find the words to talk

My first best friend
The one who taught me to be myself and not pretend
Taught me to tell the truth
And made sure the fairy took my first tooth

You've looked after me when I was sick
Laughed at all my jokes even if I was taking the mick
Picked me up and dusted me down
No matter how far I've pushed, you've always been around

You know me inside and out
Stood there when I scream and shout
You give love like no one else can
Because we've shared a bond ever since the first scan

You taught me to be proud of myself
And about all the important things in life
Love, happiness, family and health
You don't need money to feel as though you have a lot of wealth

You've always been the best mother to me
Proud of the person I've grown to be
Showering me in an unconditional love that's plain for everyone to see



- Stacey xo

Poem: One Plus One Makes Two

Standard
It's as simple as
One plus one makes two
That's the way I see me and you

A sum that just works
Two people who are just meant to be
Simple for the world to see
But confusing for you and me

It took time to realise
What everyone else knew
That it should be me and you
As simple as one plus one makes two



- Stacey xo