Thursday, 25 December 2014

Poem: It's Christmas Day

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It's Christmas Day
So many people to see, so many things to say
The tree is decorated
Certain members of the family are tolerated

The turkey is cooking
The children are looking
To see if Santa has been
The veg is pealed all fresh and green
Presents in the stocking
Fairy lights are sparkling
Carols being sung
The mistletoe is hung
Crackers on the table
Children happy and playful
Christmas pudding and mince pies
Men wearing novelty ties

It's Christmas Day
All that's left to say
Is I hope you have a day full of love and forgiveness
Merry Christmas


- Stacey xo

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 20

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Tree Topper:


We have a star on our main Christmas Tree which is new as we have a brand new Christmas Tree this year too!

- Stacey xo


Thursday, 18 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 18

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Stockings:


Here is our family stockings, we all have one including Toby and Tia... Santa seems to have visited us already but we'll have to wait until Christmas morning to see what has been brought for us!

- Stacey xo


Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 17

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Presents:


Here are the presents under our Christmas tree already. Looks like we have all been spoilt this year!

- Stacey xo


Monday, 15 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 15

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Favourite Holiday Song:


This was really hard to pick as I love all the Christmas songs! But this is the one that instantly makes me feel all festive and Christmassy - so I had to pick it!

 - Stacey xo

Ps. Here's the video in case you want to hear it too!



Saturday, 13 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 13

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Family:


I have decided to use this picture of my family from Christmas last year (2013) for 'Family' as firstly it was taken on Christmas day, secondly it is one of the few photos of us all together and finally I won't be spending Christmas day with them this year for the first time as I will be spending the day with Katie-Jo.

- Stacey xo

Ps. ...And yes we do have the bear from the 2013 John Lewis Advert in the photo with us too.



Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: 25 Day Photo Challenge Day 7

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Snow:



It's not often you see snow around Christmas time here in the UK so I have included a picture from about 2009 of my parents house when it had been snowing.

- Stacey xo



Christmas is Coming: 25 Day Photo Challenge Day 5

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Santa:




For todays topic of 'Santa' I have picked this photo of my Dad dressed up as Santa in an old Santa suit from when we were little.

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 3

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Red:



For todays topic of 'red' I have picked this cute picture of Toby and Tia after they had tried on their Christmas outfits.

- Stacey xo


Monday, 8 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 7

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day 2 of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 3!

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 6

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day 2 of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 3!

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 5

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day 2 of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 3!

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 4

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day 2 of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 3!

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 3

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day 2 of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 3!

- Stacey xo


Thursday, 4 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 2

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day 2 of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 3!

- Stacey xo


Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: Vlogmas Day 1

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Katie-Jo and I are vlogging everyday in the run upto Christmas here is day one of Vlogmas. Don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel (HERE) and come back tomorrow for day 2!

- Stacey xo


Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Christmas is Coming: 25 Day Photo Challenge Day 1

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Lights:


I love seeing all of the lights at Christmas time! They always look really pretty, here is our tree!

- Stacey xo



Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 2

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Decorations:


Rather than including a picture of all of our decorations I thought I would include one of my favourite decorations. I have picked this Christmas tree decoration as I think it is quite funny.

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 2

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Favourite Holiday Movie:


How coud my favourite holiday movie be anything else other than.... Elf?! This part of the film particularly makes me laugh.

- Stacey xo


Monday, 1 December 2014

Vlog: 29th November 2014: Katie-Jo's Big Bad Mood

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It's the start of vlogmas today, so in preparation for a month of vlogs  thought I would spend the day editing some old footage! Come back tomorrow for the first instalment of vlogmas.

- Stacey xo

Christmas is Coming: Christmas Tree Poem

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Christmas Tree:

It's time to decorate the Christmas tree
With all the festive things people love to see
From the fairy lights
Twinkling so bright
To the star on the top
Glittering in the window making people stop

Baubles red, gold and green
Shiny and bright so that they can be seen
Ornaments hanging from the branches
Catching the light as it twinkles and dances
Tinsel twisted around the tree
Framing everything that you can see.

- Stacey xo


Christmas is Coming: Capturing December Photo Challenge Day 1

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Your View Today:


I decided to use this picture as 'My View Today' as this is what I wake up to every morning and I can't wait for Christmas!

- Stacey xo


Thursday, 27 November 2014

This Blog This Christmas

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Christmas is fast approaching and it is by far my most favourite time of the year. So I have decided I will be blogging throughout December I'm going to attempt to blog several different things:

1. Vlogmas - After watching several other youtubers vlogmas series I have decided I want to join in this year. This means from the 1st December Katie-Jo and I will be vlogging over on our YouTube Channel everyday up until Christmas! (There is a link in the sidebar to our Channel)

2. Capturing December Photo Challenge - I will be posting a different photo everyday for the whole of December!

3. 25 Day Photo Challenge - Much like the 'Capturing December Photo Challenge' apart from this will only run from the 1st until the 25th December.

I will also be including several other posts throughout December so keep checking back and make sure you Subscribe to Katie-Jo and my YouTube channel to keep up with us through Vlogmas!

I'm not sure if these things will make it to the blog on the right day, but who knows I might surprise everyone!

- Stacey xo


Monday, 24 November 2014

Vlog: Hangover Day

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Don't forget to subscribe to mine and Katie-Jo's YouTube channel (HERE)! We will also be joining in with Vlogmas so make sure you head over to our channel during December to see what we are up to in the run up to Christmas.

- Stacey xo


Vlog: Surprise for you. Surprise for Me

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Please do go over to mine and Katie-Jo's YouTube channel (HERE) and subscribe to keep upto date with what we are up to. Especially as we will be participating in Vlogmas which will mean a new video everyday in the run up to Christmas (1st to 24th December).
- Stacey xo

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Poem: 21

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Now that I am turning 21
In some ways my life has just begun
Born on 9th November 1993
Who thought I would become the woman I've turned out to be

Fought a battle since I was six years old
Only just found the courage to tell a story I never thought would be told
I have a loving family forever supporting me
Encouraging me to be the best I can be
I have a beautiful fiancée
Who I will love eternally
I may not have had the easiest path to get here
I may have played most of it by ear
But I know I can look back on my past 21 years
Knowing I have worked hard to get here, blood, sweat and tears
Facing many of my fears
Shedding a few tears
Cherishing moments and memories with friends and family
Things I can look back on quite happily

Moved out of my family home
Grown up and created my own
Found a love I never thought I would experience
Finally found my real independence

Looking back there are so many things I am proud of
Looking around me there are so many people that I love
Looking into the future
It's looking like an adventure
Letting go of the past, but it's still travelling with me
Ready to write the next part of my life for everyone to see
Ready to see where this journey will take me
Ready to travel with my friends and family



- Stacey xo

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Video: The Girlfriend Tag

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- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs

Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs

Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/katiejostacey

Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs

Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs


Friday, 19 September 2014

Video: A Night in with Kopparberg

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- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs

Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs

Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/katiejostacey

Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs

Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs


Video: ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

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- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs

Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs

Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/katiejostacey

Follow me on Soundcloud: http://instagram.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs

Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs



Video: Random Questions Tag, With Annie

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Go to our YouTube channel and check out the other videos too:

https://www.youtube.com/user/katiejostacey

There will be lots more videos coming over the next few days, weeks, months, so please keep checking back!



- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/stazzyhubbs

Be a fan on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/staceyjhubbard

Follow me on Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stazzyhubbs

Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/katiejostacey

Follow me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/stazzyhubbs

Snapchat me: @stazzyhubbs

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Poem: I Want To Live My Life As I Should

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I write how I feel down
Afraid that the words will come alive if I say them out loud

Some days I feel so alone
But how do I feel alone when my secret is now known

To the outside world it looked like you cared
But really all you did was make a little girl so very scared

Taking away the innocence of her childhood
Before she even really understood

I'm older and wiser now
But even still I can't understand how

You could do the things you did to me
Preventing a child from living her life carefree

I won't let you hold me back
Even if I face my triggers and have another panic attack

I want to live my life as I should

I want to live my life like everyone else would



- Stacey xo

Friday, 12 September 2014

Life: Attempt 2 at being a Student

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When we moved to Cardiff I wasn't sure if I was going to pass my foundation degree as I was having to resit some of my exams due to missing them in May. I ended up having to do one exam and two assignments, apparently I have passed my course - although I'm not sure what percentage/ grade I have ended up with although in all honesty I will be happy with a pass.

However due to all the uncertainty of if I'd be able to get on to the top up course I decided to check out what my other option were. As I have used up 2 years of my student finance already doing another foundation degree was basically my only option. So I took to the internet to see what courses were available and to see if I had the necessary UCAS points to qualify- plus the beauty of clearing meant they were a bit more flexible with the entry requirements.

To cut a long story short I will be studying a Foundation Degree in Paralegal Studies as of the 22nd September with the University of South Wales. I am really excited as this year I won't have any of the other distractions, basically I will be a 'normal' student. I also have an amazing tour guide who knows their way around Cardiff in my beautiful girlfriend. So I am in a pretty good situation to start my new studies! There is a downside, I have to endure the contact and struggles of student finance for an extra year - I also hope that my application gets sorted sooner rather than later as due to waiting for a place through clearing I didn't send everything off till later than usual, so fingers crossed it isn't delayed for too long.

- Stacey xo

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Life: Job Hunting

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So I have spent the last week job hunting, what can I say it is a very stressful process! Not only is it stressful but it is also very time consuming and can be very demotivating at times. How can you get experience when no one will give you experience? What's the point in public transport if you need to have a driving licence to get to work?

I've tried everything over the past few days to attempt secure a job, from rewriting my CV to literally applying for any and every job I come across. I have landed myself 3 interviews - 2 I have already attended and I have one on Monday (which clashed with assessment days to one of the jobs I had an interview for).

I have had interviews for a sales job and a coffee shop/ bar I felt that they both went really well however I feel as though my age is something that holds me back. I also don't see myself as a door to door sales person and now that I have another interview that clashes with the assessment days what do I do? Do I attend the assessment days and not the other interview or do I attend the interview and not the assessment? It is really difficult to decide what to do.

Who would have thought job hunting was this stressful. I also thought I would find it alot easier to get a job here in Cardiff due to it being a city. However it has been harder than both Cambridge and Bournemouth.

Oh well, as long as I keep up my intense job search hopefully I will find that I land myself a job soon!

- Stacey xo

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Life: Welcome to Cardiff

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Since we moved into our new house its been very hectic. We've done very grown up things like go to B&Q and buy things to make our television aerial work. It's very different having our own home compared to house sharing with other students.

For the first time in my life I've also felt homesick. I've been missing my family ridiculous amounts it's weird. It's like the barrier that made me feel like I didn't want to be in Cambridge has gone. Katie-Jo has been really good with it though and has been really understanding.

Katie-Jo has managed to get herself not one but two jobs. I'm really proud of her as she managed to do it so quickly and seems to be enjoying it so far. I have managed to get a job interview on Friday - fingers crossed I get it!

There have been a few other things that have happened since we have moved but they are going to have their own posts. So keep checking back to see what else has happened since we've moved

- Stacey xo

Monday, 4 August 2014

life: Sheep, Dragons and 5p Carrier Bags

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What a busy few days! It's crazy to think that I now live in Wales - although I havent seen a single sheep yet, but that might have something to do with being in Cardiff rather than somewhere more open.

Saturday and Sunday were very busy. We got our keys bang on the dot at 10am on Saturday and managed to have all the boxes out of the van by 10.40am - not bad! Especially considering we thought it would take a lot longer and arranged with the van hire place to take it back later. Katie-Jo's Mum Clare and Sister Jay-J stayed to help us unpack and her Auntie Catherine and Mel came over. We decided to go to ASDA and get some shopping including a purple microwave and a telly! As Katie-Jo is ill the plans got changed for Saturday evening instead of going out Laura and Sahithya came over and we ordered pizza and got everything out of the boxes and tidied up a bit.

Sunday was a bit more chilled as Katie-Jo's cold really hit her, we went over to Clare's house and had breakfast. We also sorted out a set of bookshelves which Clare brought over later for us. We stopped off at sone shops to buy a few things that we needed for the house, turns out we managed to get the wrong arieal wire though.

I'm really looking forward to getting to know my own way around and being able to find places myself. Although I am venturing out today to get some medicine for Katie-Jo so we'll see how thay goes. Oh and I have to remember to take a carrier bag with me so that I don't have to pay 5p.

- Stacey xo

Friday, 1 August 2014

Life: Our Engagement Party

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On the 6th June 2014 Clare (Katie-Jo's Mum) organised an engagement party for us in Cardiff. My Mum, Dad, brother and sister came up from Cambridge. It was such a wicked night. The video above is some of the video from the night.

- Stacey xo

Thursday, 31 July 2014

Life: Bye Bournemouth

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Tomorrow we move to Cardiff! It feels like it has taken ages to get to this point as packing has been a long a drawn out process! But it is all finally done, everything is in boxes. It's weird seeing everything packed up like that. I'm not sure I like it, it's weird not having everything around the house. I think the part that was the worst bit to do was all the the cleaning, it felt like we were having to go back over everything because we needed to use the kitchen or the bathroom or we noticed we had missed something. However I definitely think we have learnt some lessons for moving in the future as I didn't realise how much needed to be done in order to move as my parents had always done it when we had moved before. Although I think for our first real attempt we have done quite well between us!

Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly tomorrow. I hope that the weather stays dry so that we can head to the beach one last time while we wait for Clare and Dermott to arrive with the van. I think it will be quite stressful loading the van but once its done it will be okay. we will be staying at Clare's house on Friday night so there isn't a huge pressure on how long it takes to get to Cardiff.

The part I really can't wait for is to get our keys on Saturday and finally moving in to our new house.  Hopefully unpacking is a lot quicker than packing was!

- Stacey xo


Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Life: My Little Love Story

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I've mentioned Katie-Jo quite a bit on my blog now so I thought it was about time I introduced her properly. We met on the 16th September 2013 in our first year of university. Her room was opposite mine in our own little corridor in our shared house.

I remember her standing in my door way looking incredible wearing a pair of white jeans on the first or second night of freshers. I think I have most certainly 'fancied' her since then and if not I have definitely found her incredibly attractive since then. We spent quite a lot of freshers together, I remember one night when we were sat in the kitchen for hours, another night when I pretended to be a spacewoman with a bin on my head planking on the floor resulting in me cutting my chin open.

We gradually went everywhere together even resulting in me going back to Cardiff with her one weekend to see her family. I think I've pretty much been to Cardiff with her every time since. Minus last Christmas, which felt like we were apart forever!

I looked after her when she was ill, she was always there when I needed someone to talk to, we even ended up sleeping in each other beds because we would just fall asleep talking or watching films.

It was weird when we ended up having to go back home for the summer, I felt like a part of me was missing. I ended up going to Cardiff for Katie-Jo's birthday - yet again she looked incredible! We even planned a spur of the moment weekend the week before we were due to move back to Bournemouth for Cardiff Pride and again I ended up staying with her. Saying goodbye to each other after Pride was weird, neither of us seemed to want to do it. Where as we'd normally be making fun of each other we could barely speak to each other.

By the end of my weekend in Cardiff for Pride I couldn't wait to move back to Bournemouth. I had always found her attractive but no matter how many people told us 'we should be together' or 'we would make a good couple' we were both adamant that we were just friends. It wasn't until I saw her car come around the corner, she was late, as usual, that I knew there was definitely something more between us, there had always been 'moments' when I thought what if, but always shook them off thinking that it would ruin the amazing friendship we had.

When we moved into our new house in Bournemouth Katie-Jo started her new job straight away and quite honestly I felt like a lost puppy. I didn't know what to do with myself as the previous year (last year) we had spent basically all day every day together.

On the 7th October 2013 we had had a few drinks and as alcohol does it makes you a little bit more confident. I knew I really 'liked' Katie-Jo but wasn't entirely sure that she felt the same so I kept holding her hand and seeing if I could get any sense of her feeling the same, which I definitely did when she kissed me! We carried on kissing practically all night. Before we went to sleep I remember her asking me 'What's going to happen in the morning' and I replied with 'I'll kiss you' and true to my word the next morning I did exactly that. However we cooled things off until the 9th October 2013 and we have been together ever since then!



On the 17th April 2014 I decided to propose to Katie-Jo. I had been planning it for a while but I couldn't decide when to actually ask her. I had everything to do it so when I went to pick up the ring I got way too excited and decided to do it that day. I was so scared that she would say no I spent ages on the phone to my Mum. I asked her Mum's permission to make sure that it was okay. I had even let her best friend in on it when we visited her in London. I spent ages decorating the living room with ballons and petals, I had had a banner made, I went to the florist and bought her some flowers (a very daunting process when the florist asked me what I was looking for seeing as I have no idea about flowers!), I roped in one of our housemates to help me blow up some balloons. I even hid a camera in the room to be able to capture it. I wanted it to be special and I knew (because she had specifically told me that she didn't want anyone else there) that it had to be somewhere just the two of us - so where better than the place than where we had our first kiss!



On Friday the 1st August we will be moving into our first house together, just the two of us, and I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to seeing where she grew up properly, being able to see her family, and meeting new people.

I can't wait for our future together and what it holds - going on holidays together, being able to spend Christmas together, getting married, having kids!

- Stacey xo


Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Poem: I Look Upto You

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I have been given something not everyone gets the chance of
The who don't are angels in the sky looking down on us from the sky above
People we wish were here with us, people we will never forget
People we weren't ready to say goodbye to yet

Because of them I can't give up when things get too hard
Because of them I put a smile on my face even though my mind might be scarred

When I don't know what to do
All I have to look at you
And I'll know you're looking back down at me
Even though you aren't visible for me to see.


- Stacey xo

Monday, 28 July 2014

Poem: Sometimes I Might

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I'm gonna put a smile on my face
Otherwise I'll look like I'm in a distant place
Experiencing things I'll never forget
Related to someone I wish I never met
But deep inside something tells me to keep going
Deep inside something tells me to keep growing

Sometimes I might seem like a closed book
Sometimes when you talk I might not be able to look
I might feel uncomfortable in a room full of people
I don't want to be treated differently, we're simply equal
I might fidget when I talk about topics that don't come naturally
I might have hard days but they only last temporarily
Sometimes I might want to bolt straight out of the door
But I am a person, nothing less and nothing more

I am not defined by the things that have happened to me
I am me, the person I want to be
The person standing in front of you that you can see.


- Stacey xo

Sunday, 27 July 2014

CSA: Imagine Your House On Fire

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I remember after my abuser had committed suicide it was so hard going and seeing family knowing that they now knew about it.

I really struggled with this, because it was as though my abuser had taken something else out of my hands, by committing suicide. I wanted people to know, but I wasn't ready for it. Although I don't think I would ever be ready for it.

During the week after his death, I broke down quit a lot and I really struggled to explain why to my family, I just felt as though, even though they were trying their best to, they didn't understand.


I explained to my Mum how being abused makes me feel by telling her to imagine coming home everyday and seeing your home being set on fire and not being able to do anything to put it out and just having to watch it burn, seeing all the memories go, all of you belongings, and everything that means anything to you. But not only seeing that once, seeing it everyday that you come home, knowing you can expect that but not knowing what to do about it and not be able to do anything about it. It makes you feel as though you don't want to go home, because you don't feel safe, you don't know what else could happen. You wouldn't just forget about it, you would remember it, the memories of it would follow you. You can't feel safe because you are scared of what will happen.

This was the only way I could explain it to my Mum.

- Stacey xo

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Life: Results Confusion

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So as a result of the investigation and my abusers suicide I didn't sit the final exams of my foundation degree and now have to do the resits in August (luckily I get to do them uncapped due to my mitigating circumstances). However this has caused so many problems for my Top Up course as the results aren't my final grades and it doesn't work with UCAS.

Its so stressful especially as I have to revise for the resits and get all of my packing done for moving. I wish it was all so much more straight forward. To be honest it would be nice to just know I definitely had a place on the course because all I want to do is get my degree completed.

Hopefully it all gets sorted soon!

- Stacey xo

Thursday, 24 July 2014

CSA: Fundraising

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As a part of moving on from my sexual abuse and raising awareness of it. I would like to, in the near future, do some fundraising for charities that help people who are going through and have been through sexual abuse.

I'm not entirely sure what I will be doing but I'm hoping to do something with my poetry, some challenges and maybe some events.

I'll post anything that is going on here and on my facebook page.

- Stacey xo

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Life: One Step Closer

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Time seems to be going by so quickly at the moment! The big move to Cardiff is getting so close and so many things are coming to an end. In some ways it is sad to see things coming to an end in Bournemouth and other ways it exciting as I am going to see new things, meet new people and get to start a whole new chapter in my life with Katie-Jo.

On Monday I had my last shift at work. I have only been working there since January but it has been amazing, I have met a lot of people and worked along side people who I hope to stay in touch with. It was important for me to have a job this year at university as it has helped me on some of my hardest days by giving me something to get up in the morning for and something to focus on. I was so lucky that my boss was so supportive whilst the police investigation was going on. When I got offered my job back in December 2013 I couldn't wait to start, I was going to be back in an environment I was used to and I was going to be able to get out of the house and have something to do with my time. Having a job makes me feel as though I have a purpose and has always given me a way to concentrate my mind something that was very important this year as everything was feeling so raw again.

The prospect of having to look for another job when we move to Cardiff is daunting, but I'm definitely looking forward to the challenge. I'm also looking forward to having the chance to meet new people and to be able to learn new skills. Hopefully it won't take me too long to find a new job.

As one chapter closes and another one is closer to starting. While it was sad to say goodbye to the people I worked with and also my job I am looking forward to moving with Katie-Jo and all of the exciting things that are going to come our way as a result of moving.

- Stacey xo

CSA: My Road To Closure

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When I first thought about getting some sort of 'closure' from what has happened to me I didn't know what or how I wanted to go about it. Here are some of the things I have done and am wanting to do.

My first step was to try and gain some kind of closure was to try and prosecute my abuser, this was unsuccessful due to my abuser committing suicide a week after being questioned by the police.

After discussing with several people including my counsellor and Katie-Jo I decided that I would like to revisit the places in which the abuse took place. I know some people may argue that this will cause me to bring back unnecessary pain and bad memories. But I would like to revisit those places to put the bad memories to rest and also to be able to create some good memories in their place.

I want to raise awareness about sexual abuse, there are several ways in which I want to do this firstly I have been and I am in the process of writing a memoir about my experience which I hope to publish in some way. I would also like to do some fundraising in the future for charities which help victims and survivors of sexual abuse.

Over time I hope to forgive my abuser for what he did. I don't know how or when I will be able to do this. In some ways I feel as though I already am beginning to do this however at other times I feel as though it is something I will never be able to do. This is something that I feel only time can help me with.

- Stacey xo

Monday, 21 July 2014

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Life: Moving

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I have spent a lot of time over the past week thinking in reality how lucky I actually am. I have an incredible fiancée who has given me a ridiculous amount of support over the last year, I have an amazing family and an incredible group of friends.

There have been plenty of challenges and hurdles over the past year but I'm still here, and I have a new chapter in my life that is just about to start.

Two weeks today me and Katie-Jo will be waking up for the first time in our new house in Cardiff. I am so excited. It's going to be such an amazing new adventure. I can't wait to have our own house together - its a huge step in a relationship to move in together. Yes we do live together now, but we also live with 3 other people as well - it hasn't ever just been the two of us. So I really can't wait for everything to be 'ours' and only have to worry about the two of us. I'm just so excited for this next year.

Things I am looking forward to:
 
  • Moving House
  • Finding a New Job
  • Starting My New Course
  • Settling in to Cardiff
  • Meeting New People
There are so many other things I'm looking forward to as a part of moving, it just feels like its such a positive step in the right direction.

- Stacey xo

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Friday, 18 July 2014

CSA: Forgiveness

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I wrote this in one of my notebooks during the police investigation:

Forgiveness isn't forgetting its acceptance of the things you can't change in the past to have the future you deserve. I forgive him everyday so that I could listen to people talk about him positively, be in the same room as him, have a conversation with him. But I'll never forget.


- Stacey xo

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Thursday, 17 July 2014

CSA: Nightmares and Flashbacks

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Image from: http://whatittakestobeme.org
Quite simply a flashback makes you feel as though you are experiencing a situation again. For me I flashbacks mean being sent back in time to anyone of the many times I was sexually abused. There are many things that trigger them, it can be a smell, a sound (words and phrases), the appearance of a room, someone's mannerisms. The list is endless. Sometimes I won't even see them coming and I can't figure out where they come from.

Ever since I was sexually abused night time has become one of the hardest times for me as this is when I experience nightmares and the flashbacks tend to strike too. I am more fortunate now as the more I have suffered them the more I have been able to understand and recognised the triggers of the flashbacks I experience meaning sometimes I can avoid them happening. The nightmares I have never felt I have had much control over, I never see them coming. Sometimes they can happen every night for a period of time other times they can be quite irregular.

I think it is important for people to recognise that for a victim of sexual abuse the effects of it it doesn't just stop when the abuse stops. Flashbacks and nightmares are very terrifying and have lead to me being afraid of going to sleep for quite some time. Resulting in me experiencing exhaustion. This fear has come and gone over the years, sometimes it is just a niggling feeling others it just takes over me and I can't stop thinking about.

I'm lucky that over the period of time where the flashbacks and nightmares became particularly bad Katie-Jo was and has been there. I told her that I experience them and explained what it meant and as a result she helps me through them. I am lucky because I can be honest with her about it. The flashbacks and nightmares have happened quite regularly over the past year so she has been able to recognise when they take place. She doesn't make me tell her about what the nightmare or flashback was about. She's 'just there'. She'll tell me that everything is okay and hold me.

Experiencing the flashbacks is horrible and can be terrifying at times but it particularly makes me me angry that it can still effect me and very embarrassed. It wasn't easy to tell Katie-Jo about them, some people in my family still don't know that I experience them.

Here is a good printable article about flashbacks [LINK]

- Stacey xo

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CSA: I'm Scared

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This came from a notebook and was written very early on in my police investigation:

I'm scared:

  • of losing my family
  • everyone thinking I'm lying
  • people believing him over me
  • him getting away with it
  • losing the people I care about
  • all of this making how I feel worse and not better.


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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Wednesday, 16 July 2014

CSA: Keep Me Grounded

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A quote from one of my notebooks



"Keep me grounded"


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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Tuesday, 15 July 2014

CSA: Receiving Support

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One of the hardest parts about telling people that I had been through sexual abuse was thinking that no one would believe me. That I would face it alone.

The reality was I wasn't alone from the moment I started confiding in people about what happened. Knowing people believed in me gave me the courage to tell my parents and even the police. The most important part was no one judged me for not coming forward sooner, for not feeling like I could talk about it sooner and no one pressed me to talk about it unless I wanted to.

Once I did tell my parents about what had happened to me it felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, they left it completely up to me whether I wanted to go to the police or not but at the same time made sure that I knew they were behind me and believed me.

Having the support of the people closest to me was incredible knowing they believed me and just wanted to support me.

Supporting a victim sexual abuse is a hard thing to do but it will mean everything to them.

- Stacey xo

CSA: I've Cried Too Many Tears

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A quote from one of my notebooks:



"I've cried too many tears to be able to show my true fears."


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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Monday, 14 July 2014

CSA: How Do They Know

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A quote from one of my notebooks:



"People don't understand but they say I'll be okay,
How do they know?"


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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Sunday, 13 July 2014

CSA: The Shocking Statistics

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I am very aware that technically I am a statistic. I don't feel like one but that doesn't change the fact that I am one.

Even as a victim of childhood sexual abuse I still find the statistics shocking - and I know alot of people do too.

It is estimated that 1 in 6 males and 1 in 4 women have been sexually abused as children in the United Kingdom. We have to also consider how many victims/survivors of abuse never speak out.

Police recorded over 23,000 sex offences against children aged under 18 years in England and Wales between April 2010 and March 2011. (NSPCC)

“The majority of perpetrators sexually assault children known to them, with about 80% of offences taking place in the home of either the offender or the victim.” (Grubin, Don 1998)

A survey carried out by the University of North London in 1991 discovered that 1 in 2 girls and 1 in 4 boys in the United Kingdom will have been sexually abused (any event or interaction which the young person reported as abusive or unwanted) by the time they reach 18 years of age.

In the millenium year a study was carried out which concluded that childhood sexual abuse is still prevalent in our society. The study found that 11% of boys under 16 and 21% of girls under 16 experience csa within their childhood.

The Internet Watch Foundation released a report in the Autumn of 2007 which stated that around 1.5 million adults in the UK had seen child abuse online. A third of the csa websites had images of the most severe kinds of abuse. Also along side this 1 in 3 children pictured on these website were under 3 years of age and a further 1 in 20 were under 6 years of age.

A study in America found that people who had suffered from csa were 12 times more likely to attempt suicide.

An estimated 55,000 children who have experienced sexual abuse receive no therapeutic support each year because of a shortfall in the availability of therapeutic services. (Allnock, Debra et all 2009)

There is only one therapeutic support programme for every 25,000 children living in the UK and many areas provide no therapeutic provision for sexually abused children at all. (Allnock, Debra et all 2009)

A 1997 study by HMP Inspectorate concluded that between 30 and as many as 70% of female prisoners had experienced csa.

*(Some statistic are from ‘New Shoes’ By Rebecca Mitchell)


I have taken this collection of statistics from Kate Swift's blog This Tangled Web from the page C.S.A Facts and Figures please visit this page to view more information around the subject.


- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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CSA: On The Outside I'm So Big

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A quote from one of my notebooks:



"On the inside I'm so small, On the outside I'm so big"

- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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Saturday, 12 July 2014

CSA: It's Easy

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A Quote from one of my notebooks:


"It's easy to hide feelings people don't know you know how to feel"




- Stacey xo

You can contact me by E-mail: staceyjhubbardblog@hotmail.co.uk
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